10:30 am, June 11, 2009
So who am I, and what am I to do? Those are the big questions for me this week. The latter is fairly mysterious, while the first one is more tangible, and I have a better handle for. I think I know most of who I am and who I was intended to be. What to do with that is another question. Specifically, how much should my actions be governed by Godâ€™s general call to humanity and how much should be filtered through who I am as I engage in the grand act of love? This remains unresolved for me, although I am leaning less toward individual personal filter than before I began this week. When presenting the question to Fr. Damien, he simplified and complicated it by stating, â€œGod will tell you what to do.â€
Maybe that is what it boils down to. Instead of me figuring out my life, asking God to direct my life. That sounds so simple and basic and merely Christian. But the question still stands for so many Christians because we have lost the art of listening to God. We read the â€œfactsâ€ and â€œprinciplesâ€ of Scripture and apply them to our lives, but we fail to seek the heart of God. To listen to His voice. To understand His desires. I am certainly guilty of this, and hope this week serves as a transition point. I could see this coming, as Iâ€™ve been slowly oozing this direction the last year or two, but I need a definitive turning point. I hope to say it was the week at the Abbey.
Now if I post this entry on a blog, I do not want you to think that I am questioning being a worship pastor or what I do. And yet, I must question everything. But what I do is not entirely bound by my vocation. And there are many different ways to be a worship pastor. So my personal questions are less â€œHow do I get a job that fits me?â€ and more â€œHow do I best function in the job Iâ€™m in?â€ and â€œHow do I best steward my time outside of my job?â€ Starting the nonprofit this year is a great example of stepping beyond my comfort zone in an area that is not my sweet spot, yet God has planted a passion and purpose, and I am responding. Fortunately, I have some experience and knowledge that will assist the process, but there is much I am lacking as well. Much. It is a step of faith that demands this turning point in my life occur. I cannot rely only on who God has made me, but on the Maker Himself. He must provide insights to who I am and what I am to do. As Fr. Damien told me, â€œGod will tell you what to do.â€ So I end this week as I began it, with a desire and conviction to seek to listen and understand.